Sunday, January 22, 2017
Getting Through the Ugly
I keep wondering when the pain will fade. It's been over a year and I still miss my old life. It's a weird dichotomy, because on the one hand I can already see how this move has been good for me and for my family, and yet, I also see how it's left us fragmented and still piecing things together.
The truth is that I'm overwhelmed. Starting a new life and everything from, well, mostly scratch is a lot of work. When I came out here I thought that I could just replace all our activities with the same things - only in a different geographical location. We had cub scouts in Michigan - let's find a group in CA. We had a church plant in Michigan - let's fine one in California. And, so on and so forth. And it hasn't worked out that way.
A lot of the activities that we're involved in here we had either no interest in being involved in back in Michigan, or really no knowledge of until we came here. Once I realized I liked our new extracurriculars, I tried to start too many new things. I'm an all or nothing kind of person and so I decided it was "all new all the time". That didn't work and honestly it left me feeling sore and bruised again.
And that's where I'm at. At regular intervals I'm feeling sore and bruised. Sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, lonely, discouraged.
Don't get me wrong, not all my days are bad. I have a lot of good days where I am so glad that I get to see the sun more often and that I have a beautiful house, a healthy family, a kind husband, and really a beautiful life. I have nothing to complain about. Really.
So, why am I finding that I'm so all over the map with my emotions is sometimes beyond me. I find myself praying, "I just feel.... I don't know, God."
I think I'm tired. I have a lot going on right now and not a lot of the support that I used to have. That takes time to build and yeah, it's a process. We've been gone a year now and trying to maintain friendships and relationships takes work and because I'm tired I find it... well, difficult. Trying to build new relationships is also work, and I'm just tired.
I'm tired of being tired. Is that a thing? I think it must be, because that's where I am.
I haven't written in a long time because I kept writing posts about how things were getting better - and that started to feel unauthentic and there's nothing I dislike more than being fake.
So, this is where I am. It's not really pretty, but I guess that's ok. Sometimes you have to get through the ugly before you can get to something lovely.