Monday, May 23, 2016

The Darker Side of Moving

I had never stepped foot in California until we arrived here to live. The whole way out I asked my husband, "Is this what California looks like?" A while later, "Is THIS what it looks like where we're going to live?" I had no idea. So, when we got closer and my husband said, "This is what it looks like around our house." I remember feeling hugely disappointed. Everything was brown. Everything was dead and at the time driving along the expressway all I could see besides the dead grass and dirt was garbage lining the expanse of road.

I didn't say what I was thinking, because I didn't think I could bear the hurt look my husband would give me.

The only thought swirling in my head was "This is ugly. Brown, dead, and... ugly."

Why in the world had we come here?! We'd left Michigan in the throes of Fall. It was beautiful and the leaves were every color you can imagine. There were so many trees and here all I could see were scraggly bent trees (?) atop brown dirty looking hills.

I had hoped that the mountains near our new home would look somewhat like the Rockies, or perhaps like the mountains surrounding Salt Lake City. Then, we went through the Sierras and oh my goodness, it was gorgeous. This, though? This was a parched dry desolate looking landscape.

And you know what? I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to like it.

I think it's important to note that we all have these moments. Call it what you want, childish, sinful, rebellious. All three perhaps. I'm not going to hide behind a facade and say that I did my best and that my thoughts, feelings, and actions were admirable. There were moments of complete despair and completely weakness, and complete and utter frustration at what I felt was the death of a dream.

It's human to have dark moments. 

The last several months I have wondered if writing about my experience moving and being 100% honest about it is good... or not. I have wondered if there is any value in it at all.

I remember watching a particular show with my husband and the story line kept getting more and more dismal. I liked the show, I thought it was interesting, but at a certain point I thought, "Really? I thought they couldn't make this story worse and yet it just got even more awful..." I ended up looking up the narrative on Wikipedia because as much as I liked the show I didn't feel like I could sit through another episode if there wasn't going to be any redemption in the end. Turns out the story got worse, and worse, and worse. I decided to stop watching.

I truly believe that telling the difficult aspects are an essential component of a good story. The hard parts are often what make the ending so much more profound.

I didn't want to move here. I had a really hard time at first. There has been a lot of trial and error. There has been a lot of disappointment. There has been discouragement, tears, and depression. It's a process and not one that moves quickly. But, the thing is I'm experiencing redemption. 

It's not ugly here - at all. It's absolutely stunning. God's got this... and me. Something is changing in my heart, He's refining me bit by bit, softening my edges and showing me the beauty of His plan.

1 comment:

  1. Did you take these pictures? They are beautiful. Makes me want to get my own camera out again. :)


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