Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Waking Up and Letting Go
I was angry when we moved here. There, I said it. I was really mad. I was mad at God. I was mad at my husband. I was upset that this was the "right move". (You may or may not understand this. Either way, I feel like it's important to be honest). I had set my life up perfectly back at home. I had a beautiful house overlooking a pond with access to a walking path where I could take my kids on daily walks (or teach them to ride their bikes).
I had my entire family within 5 miles. I had childhood friends - and friends that I had made in our homeschool community. And, yada yada... because I've already said all of this before in the last several posts and honestly I'm as tired of writing it as you are of reading it. But, I'll say it one more time. I had everything I wanted.
This morning I woke up and I looked at the clock and I couldn't see exactly what time it was. I was still tired, my eyes were bleary, and I wasn't able to make out the numbers. I kept rubbing my eyes and finally I could see clearly. It took a minute or two, but I could finally see what was in front of me.
That is basically how the last several months have been. I've been in a fog. There have been moments interspersed with lovely people, amazing sights, and family time where I've been able to snap out of it - but for the most part it's like I've still been in that fog before you wake up. I've been half asleep to my surroundings and hoping to fall back asleep - to go back to a place of comfort.
The thing is, so often what you want isn't what you need. I think I'm finally starting to see that. God's doing something here, and I'm not sure what it is yet. But, I'm awake now and I'm looking around. And you know what? What I'm seeing is pretty great.
There is still a lot that we haven't figured out yet. Being in a new place it is going to take a while before we really have the hang of it here, but I'm starting to see the beauty in it. I really wish it wouldn't have taken me this long to come to this realization. And yet, I've always been a bit stubborn.
There are still going to be bumps and bruises along the way - because when aren't there? There are still going to be moments of missing people and places - because that's normal. There are still going to be frustrations and moments of discouragement. It's in the expecting that things are going to be perfect that I'll be disappointed.
My life doesn't look the way I thought it would. Not at all. That's ok with me now. You see, God has this awesome way of shaping us, molding us into something that we can't possibly accomplish on our own - with our own plans. It's in and through His plans that the refining and sharpening start to take place.
I'm open to it. I'm awake. I'm ready.
I'm not sure what's next. I'm done planning it. I want to see God's plan.