Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Saying Goodbye

I woke up this morning and found myself cocooned in bed with my littlest. I could hear the other kids up and about. My husband had left an hour or so earlier for his morning Bible Study and I was just now blinking open my eyes. It was so snuggly warm in bed and I just didn't want to get up. On a chilly Fall morning when the mornings are darker the sanctuary of a warm bed is comparable to little else. I had this thought that I just wanted to stay wrapped up in those blankets smelling my little one's soft little head forever. 

We're moving in one week. One week from today. We'll pack up our van, we'll walk out of our house for the very last time, we'll hug my parents goodbye and we'll start our trek cross country to a state that I've never even been to before. 

It all feels like a lot. At the beginning of the summer I knew there were changes on the horizon. A new baby due in August, a little boy beginning kindergarten in the Fall, 4th grade for our oldest. But, these were changes I knew were coming. These, I was prepared for. 

Then, in a whirlwind of events my husband was contacted about a job possibility out in California. I didn't even give it a second thought at first. This was just going to be a fun thing we could talk about later on. "Remember when you flew out to CA for that job interview? Was it pretty there? Interview experience is always good..." But, after the interview they really liked him. After the interview they wanted to hire him. I still didn't think it would pan out. 

And now, we're moving in a week. 

A new baby, a new house, a new job, a new state, new, new, new. 

But there is also all the old. Our house that I wanted so badly, that I  have loved so dearly. My routines, so dependable, so solid. Our church which we have developed lasting and loving relationships from. Our neighborhood. The streets, stores, doctors. All the old familiar things that I hold so dear to my heart.

My best friends. My family. 

How? How do I say goodbye? 

I just want to stay cocooned in this safe happy place. It feels so comfortable, so familiar. 

I finally broke down the other day. "Everyone wants to hear how great it's going to be and I'm just not there. I'm not excited about it yet. I'm grieving. I'm sad. I know that it's a good thing in and of itself, but it doesn't feel good."

I don't know how to say goodbye. I've never had to before. It feels foreign. What I have realized in all this is that I'm fortunate. Fortunate to have been able to live alongside good friends and family for so long, fortunate to have developed such close and loving relationships. So, instead of saying the word goodbye I'm going to enjoy the time I have with each and every person I love as my goodbye. I'm going to focus on all the smiles, all the laughter, the joy, the love. I'm going to thank people for being present in my life, my family's life. I'm going to hug them. I'm going to let them know how much they mean to me. I'm so lucky to have so very many people and places that I'll miss. 

1 comment:

  1. I saw your beautiful IG photos and thought you were just going on a fun road trip. Didn't realize till I read your blog post that you're going through such a huge change! Praying for God's strength and grace.


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