Tuesday, October 14, 2014

P. 2 A Marriage In Trouble {Transparent Tuesday}

 To read Part 1 Go here

When I arrived at my parent's house I poured out my heart. They knew my husband and I had been having problems. They knew that things weren't happy, but it was a pretty cut and dry deal in my mom's eyes. "Go home to your husband. Work hard. Do whatever you can to work it out." 

So I went home. I followed her advice...

When Melissande asked me to write this I can honestly say I wasn't very excited. I'm not one to dwell on things that are negative I would rather find a solution and move on, however, this was worth a little more analysis. My hope is that this might be encouraging for somebody else, and I might even learn something in the process.

I wish I could say I had the great guidance that my wife had, but the truth was that I turned to friends. My parents had been divorced when I was young. I saw the option that divorce gave from the child's perspective. I may have been unhappy in that time and place in our marriage, but I knew I wanted my son to avoid the childhood I had. So when Melissande came home and apologized, I did the same. I remember having several tough conversations in those days. It was hard but worth it. Things started to get back on track.

Without too many more gut wrenching conversations we did start to move forward. We made some minor changes and got back to what we were doing as two individuals in one house. I worked long hours and even two jobs at some points. I was away a lot of the day. Picking up whatever overtime I could. I was paying the bills, like a man should! Right? Melissande was focusing her days on our young son and eventually went back to work balancing a part time job with everything else. And we saw each other even less. Life was moving quickly. We were so busy. I had a career change and started school full time on top of my new full time career. I was very proud of myself. A good job, going to school, a wife, house, and an amazing son. Unfortunately, all was not well.

In our stubborn youthful ignorance to avoid divorce we had both allowed ourselves to ignore the issues we were facing. We had both slipped back into our selfish ways. To top it off I didn't communicate anything regarding my feelings, or our finances. We had patched things up, but that is exactly what we had done. We had only put patches on, we hadn't fixed anything. We had only kicked the can down the road a ways.

I remember the day when the wheels fell off. I had blinded myself to everything so well that it actually took me by surprise when Melissande told me she still wasn't happy and hadn't been for some time. I had so effectively filled my time with stuff that I was too busy to notice. You might think this is were it turns around... wrong! I choked it down and said everything was okay. That I wasn't upset by this earth-shattering news and that we would be okay. I would change my focus.

The truth is I felt back-stabbed. How could she be unhappy? All the hard work I was putting in with school and career. This is how I was repaid?! With a failing marriage?! I totally lost sight of what was important.

I started to change, but I resented it greatly. I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. Not for my spouse, but to make sure I was doing the right thing. Marriage became a duty to me, not a partnership. I started to slip into a depression about it all. For some reason I couldn't process it. I couldn't grasp the fact that my marriage was slipping away and I didn't now how to fix it.

We were so young when we married. I can't count how many people told me I was crazy when I was engaged at 17. "You need to find yourself, you need to live a little first!" So many tidbits of advice opposing marriage. I have to say they never phased me before I was married. I knew from a very young age that I wanted a large family. I can't say why, but from my early teens I knew this was the way my life needed to be. Now I was shaken though, shaken to the core. Had all those people been right? Should we have waited? Had it all been a big mistake?

It wasn't long after this that I hit my rock bottom. We had our second child and the medical bills started coming in, totally foreseeable if I had been remotely aware, but life altering for us. I had to make a choice. If I sat by and let life happen anymore I knew it would be the end for Melissande and me. I don't know where I was when I finally came back to reality. I do remember who I was with though. I told my friend AJ that this is what I had always wanted. This life, not any other. That this marriage that was crumbling would be the biggest regret of my life if I let it go. Why on earth would I let this go if the only thing I would be seeking after from that day forward was the exact thing I already had?

This realization, the stupidest, simplest epiphany I have ever had, was the moment it started to change. The moment my focus left myself and went back to my wife and children.

To read Part 3 Go Here



Today is Transparent Tuesday!

I invite you to link up and join me in an effort to cast aside the filters! We all have a story to tell. The best stories are those where ordinary people rise up and work through the tough situations, the unseemly moments, the mundane, and the unglamorous.

All you have to do to link up is:

1. One posts, two posts, three?! Link (up to) three posts of anything authentic! A picture, a post, a quote you love!

2. Copy the url for your post (not your site) in the linky below.

3. Finally, last but not least copy the code for the Transparent Tuesday graphic and attach it to your post so that other people can come and see all the other posts for Transparent Tuesday. The more the graphic is shared, the more people will be able to participate!

If there are enough linkups I will be able to feature one the following week! Please link up and share with other bloggers who might be interested! I love seeing what other transparent views people offer! If you link up keep in mind that any graphics you use on your site are now available to me for use in my feature of your post. 

P.S. I tweet all posts that are linked up! I often pin them, share them on Google+ and share on Facebook as well.


For this week I would like to feature Jen from Halfway Homemaker. She wrote A Shift which really spoke to me. She wrote about one of "those days" the ones where at the end you just feel like a failure as a mom. She pours it out in her post and gets down to the nitty gritty. Thank you so much for sharing, Jen!



Our Growing Roots



12 comments:

  1. What a brave article. So many people will be able to relate.

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  2. Amazing post.. thank you for sharing.

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  3. I appreciate the honesty here. One of the hardest parts of marriage is to keep it about a relationship and not just another daily chore. I am so glad you both worked things out and have decided to share it so others can be helped. They will be!!

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  4. It's really interesting to hear from your husband's point of view on this. Marriage is never easy but it sounds like the two of you are not planning to give up on each other and that is really refreshing to hear! Marriage is about learning and growing together along the way (even more difficult to do when children arrive.) Be encouraged that you aren't the only couple going through difficult times, but I hope that you surround yourselves with other couples who can encourage you to make your marriage and relationship with one another a priority. I'm definitely rooting for you both!

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  5. Very powerful. You sound very mature. Marriage takes work and commitment and you guys seem to recognize that and will probably be rewarded with a long, happy life :)

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  6. Amazing post! It's nice to hear Both sides of a story like this!!

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  7. Seriously...thank you for sharing this! I know a ton of couples who can relate and really should work it out as they are better together like you both :)

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  8. Thank you for sharing-both of you! So honest and personal. There are many couples out there that will benefit from this series.

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  9. It's easy to occupy yourself with stuff and not get to the root of the problem. Thanks to both of you for sharing your perspective!

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  10. I love that you brought your husband in on this!!! Awesome to have both perspectives. This is a great little mini series. Thanks for sharing your story, struggles and triumphs.

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  11. I love that you both are so honest and open about this. I don't know of any marriage that hasn't hit a rocky patch (or two, or more...) and I think this is the first time I have read the husbands point of view. We women are pretty honest when things aren't going that well, but it seems to be really difficult for men to admit and talk about so openly. So I guess I want to say thank you for both of your honesty. I look forward to the next post!

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  12. I've tried to read this article more times than I can count and have had to come back over and over and over again (kids needing something , etc). I'm so grateful you guys chose to post both of your perspectives. Your husband' sis of such value because I can see so much of my marriage thru my own husband's perspective. He works so hard, we are barely getting by, and I hold him accountable for other things, and he is blindsided. I'm tearing up having read this because there is so much truth and so much to relate to in both of your posts!

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